Aigney Mie

06:12 pm: So, I found a doorway that will hopefully take me where I've needed to go. I actually started looking for another job after years of bitching about this one, and within a few short weeks I've found a better job at the Nittany Lion Inn. It's a much nicer hotel than where I've been (they're trying to get their four-star diamond rating and have an amazing property, staff, and guest services) AND I will eventually be able to get a discount at PSU since it is owned by the university. This couldn't be a better blessing for me. I'm going to stay at the Ramada part-time through the summer to get some debt paid off - just have to buckle down for a little bit here.

07:40 am: I Will Die With A Huge Smile On My Face
I feel like writing just for the sake of recorded expression. So if anyone still reads this dusty old thing, well, hello and thanks for quite possibly being crazy like me.

Been thinking a lot recently about what's important to me in life and where I want to be heading. I suppose first I need to get the rest of the dust off my jeans before I get back on that old trail.

I feel like people whom I had at one point admired greatly have turned away from me. I don't blame them in some ways - anyone who knows how I carried myself during the past few years knows I've made my share of mistakes. And though I know that who I am now is the strongest version of myself that I've known, I still can't say that this abandonment doesn't affect me.

I wonder what people think when they know I am agnostic now. I was always the good little Christian kid who was most concerned with treating those around him as best as he could. Though the Christian part is gone, the latter part is still what I base my life on. I think faith is one of the most important attributes in the human arsenal - attitude and belief are incredibly powerful forces and are exactly what we need to help better ourselves. It is just that I can see through this all now - I've shed the layers that were holding me down. You can argue all day about which religion is correct, who or what God is, if there's a literal force of karma, if there's a soul or an afterlife - but this is all just trivial. And, more importantly, these arguments just build fences between cultures that are detrimental to human unity and improvement. So many people have believed earnestly in religions that are now long gone, and our modern ones will one day disappear too. Our shared values are what we should be focusing on - the idea that we should be helping each other out. That's what "god" is right there - a smile, a helping hand, a thought in time of need, and acceptance of anyone who would do no harm to their fellows. Imagine...

It's exactly this sort of thinking that gets me very attached to people. There are a few friends that I've grown so close to that I actually consider them siblings, but then there's this pool of people that I care about immensely and will always have concern for. Loyalty I guess you might call it. And I hate that some of those people who I've shared paths with in this one life we get to live seem to be shirking me off due to those mistakes.

I should probably not let it affect me. Drama is going to happen. But it's painful nonetheless.

I also know I took that too far though- this fondness and attachment to people. I let myself become way to dependent on a few individuals. Begging for acceptance really. When in reality, the person who I let myself become the closest to turned out to be something entirely different. A realization - I enjoy being around people who tell me what to do. Probably thanks to my grandmother, the woman who really raised me. I shrugged off myself and took on something else, something that was wrong and betrayed me (with good intentions).

That's part of something else - the Christian idea that I didn't want to offend anyone. I took that so far that I preferred listening to people instead of bringing out my own opinions. Though I enjoy placing myself in other's shoes and figuring out how they think (I was going to school for Anthropology, go figure) I do need to tell people what I think. This probably led to some of that mess.

Nowadays it is much different. I have shied away from a number of relationships. I do not want to be locked in to anything too serious and I need a while to get myself grounded before I become committed to another person. This worked really well and helped me phoenix from the ashes a long time ago. But I need a balance now, and I need something to help push me to new places. I just have to remember this time around - it's nice to have someone holding your hand, not gonna lie - but you can't rely on it.

More importantly, I need to finish school. I know money is not important to me, but I can't be a night auditor forever. I need to do something thoughtful and beneficial to mankind. Sure, I can study language and history in my spare time still - but I need to do something with it.

Anyway, a long and perhaps pointless rant.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, a list of what makes me happy.

I wake up in a house with people I trust completely. People who have helped me when I've needed it the most. People who I've stood side-by-side with and will hold strong whatever may come.

I have a great number of friends whom I will always be excited to go home and catch up with, and relive all the old nostalgia of growing up (which we are all always doing).

I can go online and play a stupid video game with Bo from half the world away as though 10 years of change mean nothing.

I can go home for Thanksgiving to a huge loving family. I can see my brothers and my sister all growing up just like I had to do and becoming what they will be.

I can pick up a book or listen to a song which will feed my hungry mind and let me get lost in thought. Creativity thanks to folks like Saul Williams, Tom Waits, James Joyce, Bukowski, John Darnielle, Hunter S Thompson, Jesus, Buddha - the list could go on and on.

I can learn languages and communication with all sorts of people from all over the world - past, present, future. I can be a part of this huge world.

05:23 pm: Hrmph. Adjusting.

01:11 pm: "I crawled down to the basement when the weather got cold
Like a lost lamb returning to the fold
And when the outside world recedes from view
It's just a year's supply of makeup and memories of you
1967 colt 45
Holding back the vampires, keeping me alive
There's an envelope with some cash in it out by the front door
This is what they make you take the medication for"

John Darnielle's guest RAPPING appearance on the new Aesop Rock album. Song's called Coffee. It hit home.

12:34 pm: My Style
Today I drank a bunch of scotch and cut my hair. What judgment I currently have at my disposal tells me I have done well, or at least not too terribly poorly. The jagged outliers protruding in the back have to be a part of some sort of style. But fear not, hippies of the world, for the work I have undertaken, much like tilling the soil, was done to promote future growth.

Things to do this summer:
1. Lose 1 million pounds, or whatever it is that my gut currently weighs, so that I can fool people into thinking I am le sexy.
2. Sell off everything that I do not need so I can travel like Jesus. Except with $$, not an indeterminate number of fish.
3. Solidify plans for college and future living arrangements (the options have been narrowed to two).
4. Go to doctor's to find out what other treatments are available for fibromyalgia, especially fatigue.
5. Get glasses.
6. Continue music theory. Write songs, and even if they are bad start doing some more covers to gain expertise.
7. Begin Arabic con GUSTO and not just stare at the book once in a while.
8. Remember that thing you said about yourself and didn't say out loud.

08:56 am: A Movement in Three Parts: The Feet, The Empty Space, and The Floor
3rd shift throws your body a little out of whack - feels like you never really get deep sleep, though it is nice to have many days wherein two 3-4 hour naps get the job done instead. Seems to make the day longer.

Anyway, I am up and listening to a new release by the Tuss - an act on Replex Records that sounds suspiciously like Richard D. James. Oh Rephlex, you are not very sneaky. Whoever it is, I am floored, and I remember why I love music on its own right, even if devoid of the imagery that comes from lyrics. I hope I can create something people will appreciate this much one day.

I am also sad to announce that, due to the changes I need to make, I have decided to give up perhaps the only thing I have collected for my own sake - my records. I am going to sell off most of my collection, with the exception being my Mountain Goats and Aphex Twin stuff. And I may resort to selling off a few instruments, only keeping the guitar and mandolin. I hope I don't cry when I do it lol. But I won't regret it for too long - I need to start traveling light and not have a hobby that will keep my funds away from going where they need to be.

07:42 am: Hrmpppfffhhh... Hope has turned slightly towards confusion again. I do not know if I will be able to move out to San Francisco afterall, though it is still a dream I am hoping to realize. Other options are coming and going, going and coming, circling the drain and so forth. I am going to take some time to inflate my savings and see what is right when the time comes, and it will.

In the meantime, getting drunk at 7am with Jay and playing Halo 3 Beta as though we were gods.

08:42 am: Manifest Destiny, Or The Call Through The Garden Gate
This was originally an ambivalent post about what I may be doing in the future. I now select option #1 and will beckon the call to join the West coast ASAP. It is a step I have needed for a long time, and it will help me to keep the smile on my face which I have only recently reclaimed.

07:44 am: Well, slowed down a little bit because technical money issues stand in my way - but a budget is set, and thanks to a friend I have a resume on monster so that I can find a 2nd job in the area to help out even more. I've started the audit again and I am much happier already - I can see how what used to seem impossible is now quite within reach.

I just spent most of this last week in bed - first time I've been really sick since I moved to State College. I pretty much slept all of Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday away. Apparently it was strep but the test was negative - either way the antibiotics I am on helped me heal up quick-fast and are even helping the headache I normally constantly feel right at the base of my skull. Makes me wonder if the fibromyalgia diagnosis was still wrong, but eh, I'll take comfort as it comes to me. I didn't feel much support at home, maybe I'm paranoid, but I did get so much from people at work that I ended up crying because I was so glad people cared.

I am anxious to re-enroll to a University, but at this stage I'm not 100% sure of which one and precisely what major. I want to do something that will guarantee a happier life (as in better salary and a field I would actually enjoy) but without depending on a masters in case I can't come up with the funds to go that far. I want to learn languages and help tear down barriers between these modern cultures - studying so much about history, anthropology, and religion just makes me feel how ridiculus our modern conflicts are, how much we are all just the same flesh and bone with the same concerns just with different but similiar cultural lenses. Our parallel paths through this human condition. I feel like I should learn Arabic and Farsi since those are regions that are the most contentious right now - but I am also drawn to Spanish, Japanese, and anciet dialects like Greek, Latin, Hebrew, and old English. I do not know where I will end up yet.

Anyway, I should sleep and I feel like I am just summarizing the same old thing.

Well - here's to whatever shared future you and I will endure, and I hope it's a better one for all of us.
XOXO
Jacob

12:07 am: So I am taking steps. I put in my resignation from my current position and was able to switch into the Night Audit again. I can definitely manage full-time nights along with AM classes especially since one can do homework after the Audit is done. Now to find the money to re-enroll, get a FAFSA going, and pick which languages to work on.

11:22 pm: So I either did something amazing or really stupid. Time will tell. But at any rate, things are looking up.

08:07 am: My life has changed considerably after this time in State College. What I have learned and what I have unlearned from these experiences has removed fear from my life. Fear of God- I have come to a point where I can call myself Agnostic without fearing for my salvation. Fear of Society's Glare- not that you should ever stop caring 100%, but having enough faith in yourself instead of looking for affirmation from other people really changes things. Fear of being alone- though the image I had of myself as a father and husband is no longer the road I see before me, I feel better knowing this leaves more room to care for my close friends and family. The downside is that I don't have much to anchor myself to with God, Man, and Family Life being removed from the picture. I guess it's time to focus on myself for a change, finish my education however hard it may be, and start spending more time on the things I have loved - music and language.

I look forward to these new roads and pray that I stay the course.

04:17 am: "Die hard, die kicking, old habit of mine."
Moved into a new apartment with Josh and Ashlee. I need some distance from my old life before I return to old habits - guess they truly do die hard. But these guys are being great friends and I'm starting to enjoy life and appreciate the little things more. Now if only I can get myself back into school soon so I don't have to work at the Ramada and be bitter the rest of my life. But first comes a car.

12:10 am: Getting an official promotion to management this week. My boss Carol is leaving so the reservations manager and I have elected to take on the responsibility as co-managers. We're a good team so I'm not worried about conflict there. It will be sad to see Carol go - she had been one of the only reasons a few of us stuck around at the desk for so long just because of her great personality. She's one of those people that nobody can dislike because she just cares so much about all of her people and helped cheer us up and make working there fun. But at the same time it's a good situation - she's moving to a better job and everyone else gets to get a new opportunity, one that I needed pretty badly since I was starting to regret having resigned my lease for this year. I just hope that Ann and I can keep up the atmosphere Carol had created for us and that I don't get pwned too badly once salary kicks in.

01:45 am: Currently obtaining a copy of the Rosetta Stone with 27 different languages. This is either going to be the best thing that ever happened to me or the biggest waste of time I've ever pursued.

03:29 am: Steve Irwin, AKA the Crocodile Hunter, gave up the ghost at the barb of a stingray today. This news hits me hard and makes me very aware of my mortality. The man was constantly amazed by the beauty and variety in nature. He was kind and yet he had the courage and insight to stand face to face with all kinds of fierce creatures and get away with it. And now he was taken from us, and at that by one of the last creatures you'd have expected. Life is simply not fair. And I'd wager Steve doesn't even blame the stingray.

If only we could stop blaming the forces around us too.

04:05 am: I saw mi hermano for the first time in almost a year when he surprised me by hitching a ride with Molly the other day. He stayed here for a while, during which time I felt a constantly tremendous joy. You have a kind of connection with the person who's grown by your side from the very beginning of your memory that is not quite like any other. I've really missed my brother and I'm glad to see him growing up and still going strong- I hope he's finding what he's looking for out in his new life, and that our ties never take us too far from thought of mind.

12:39 am: Well, I'm closer to knowing what's going on with my body right now. I have a few more appointments over the next few days and then it's one last time playing the waiting game till I know for sure one way or the other. I am anxious.

In the meantime I have received a large kick in the behind between this ailment and my recent visit to my hometown. I saw a number of the friendly old faces that reminded me who I used to be and what track I used to tread. I think State College in a way unmade me. Perhaps it was necessary. Perhaps it was a sidetrack. I'm not really sure at the moment, but either way I do not regret the events that have taken me to this place. But I am going to try to change fields and escape this place before it grabs hold because if I stay it surely will again.

My favorite part of home was seeing my family. I have always loved playing the part of the big brother - it is only slightly different perhaps than being a father, which is something I still look forward to (though I do not desire to be one at this young age as I may have foolishly thought I would in the past). Seeing my dad in his little castle on the hill with my brothers and sister really made me remember growing up next to them all, which is something I've not been able to witness lately. We all grow up to be somewhat alike and yet so wonderfully different and unique. I do sometimes wonder if they're insulated in that place because of the homeschooling (I'm a much bigger fan of being able to see the world for what it and explaining your opinion of it to your children rather than seemingly hiding it until you are no longer able to keep that shelter in place). I do sympathize with the notion of keeping protection against perceived evil, but the only way anyone's gonna learn is if they make up their own mind. Perhaps in that sense I know they are safe though - you cannot escape this modern world, this community that is changing thanks to such widespread media and the internet. They have such great imaginations and a wide tract of land on that farm to play on - something I hope to own for my children one day.

It was also great to see people like Ian, Eric, Greg M., Jamie, Grant, and Stacy. Ian ended up bringing me back to State College and we talked the whole way about life while listening to music that made me feel young again (The Beastie Boys and Metallica to name a few).

Anyway, gotta get up early tomorrow. Sorry for the nostalgia - it is both my biggest weakness and biggest strength.

01:26 pm: Won't be online for a few days since we're moving into the new place. PEACE.

03:26 pm: I read this and just had to post it somewhere.

"I know all too well that one person I've been very close to for that long has let me down because they're no longer the same as the idea that I have of them, and knowing that it's both because I've changed and they've changed makes it even harder; maybe not everyone is like this, but it's tricky to be fair and to unconditionally love when the idea or the feeling of a person you have is dated and static and you all of a sudden realize that it's different from who they are and who you are now."